Bump in the Road

Before you read any further please remember that I am only human. This is MY blog. If you don’t like what you are reading, please keep the negative comments to yourself. This stuff is done and over with and we are extremely happy, and I promise not to do depressing (it’s not really depressing)post too much. Also this may be a long post so bear with me.

I can’t believe how fast this past year has flown by! Jesse and I started new jobs(right before the wedding) We rented out first apartment, got married, got a cat, got pre-approved for a loan for a house and the list goes on and on! We can skip the wedding stuff because there is already a post on that.

This past year has brought on so many emotions, and changes it was hard to keep track of everything. Last October we finally said “I Do”. Honestly that was the happiest day of my life. The happiness was short lived though (just keep reading) some things happened and only a few people know what really went down. We fought every day! It was so hard getting up every day and putting a smile on my face when all’s I really wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. We didn’t go to counseling like some people suggested; that’s just not me. We I contemplated divorce a few times. We stopped being social with our friends and we were no longer Jesse and Ashley. We were just Jesse and Just Ashley. I started hanging out with my friends without him. He did the same thing. It was really tough, and honestly we brought it upon ourselves. I talked a lot about it with my grandma, and got advice from her. I remember the one night I sat at her kitchen table with her and cried as I told her what was going on. I thought about calling a divorce lawyer because this marriage wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I started to think that getting married was a HUGH mistake. I was packing up some stuff in our room (we had planned on moving out of the apartment I just wanted to get a head start) and I came across this little book I had made him a few Christmas ago. 52 reasons why I love you; that little book I made for him helped made me realize why I fell in love with him. That book saved my marriage.

In April we started to look for our first house. Let me tell you, it is exhausting! We saw so many houses, in such a short amount of time it was 100% overwhelming. We didn’t find anything we really fell in love with so we never put an offer on any of the houses we looked at. Although Jesse really liked one of them and said he wouldn’t mind putting an offer in but, we never did. fast forward a few months, The end of May 2013 we found out we were expecting. We were so excited. I remember taking the stupid test and walking away to put the laundry in the dryer and I came back and I had a BFP (big fat positive). I couldn’t believe it! I ran and jumped on the bed where he was sleeping and woke him up yelling. I probably scared him. I couldn’t wait to start planning everything. I made a doctor appointment for the following Thursday. The doctor told me my HCG Levels were too low to take this pregnancy to term. So we didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy except family and a few close friends in the event we did lose the baby. Not even 6 weeks after finding out we were pregnant, my mom and grandma took me to the emergency room. I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t feel good at all. I was weak and cramping so bad! And to make matters worse, Jesse was working and couldn’t come to the hospital with me. The doctor who was helping me was so nice! He was explaining everything, and taking his time and making sure I was comfortable. I felt horrible, I had so many questions, and I was mad. I was so mad, and hurt. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, it just happened. Not that it makes it hurt any less, and I thank GOD I wasn’t very far along. But the miscarriage brought us so much closer as a couple.

So now, we are taking things one day at a time. I know our anniversary is the 27^th and this is a bit early, but in the next two weeks we will be very busy (I’ll do a post on that later) and I wanted to make sure I wrote this post before I changed my mind. I use writing as my escape and my way of healing so even though we are past this stuff it sometimes still feels raw. I will be doing an anniversary post of what we did, but it won’t be until after our anniversary probably and we are moved out of our apartment.