When I was younger I always thought that I would be married
and have babies by the time I was 20...what a joke. Yes I am married and that
did happen at age 20, but fast forward three years and I am nowhere near that
point in my life. I do want kids one day, and I debated even writing about
this, but this is how I cope with things. Writing and reading get me through
hard times. Jesse and I got married October 27, 2012 and we couldn’t wait to
start planning our life together.
We moved into our first apartment right after we got married,
and in November 2012 we got our first fur baby, a little orange tabby kitten
named Lilly. In May 2013 we started to look at houses and in June we found out
we were pregnant with our first baby. Sadly in July I had a miscarriage and it
was horrible. It took a huge toll on me, I stopped going to church and I hated
God for that loss. We talked about trying again but I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t
handle that feeling again, it would have destroyed me. So we decided that it
wasn’t time for us to have kids right now and we were both okay with that.
We moved in with my Grandparents in November 2013. We only
planned on staying until we could find a house. In October 2014 we closed on
our first house, November 2014 we got our second fur baby, will a black calico
kitten named Willow. Jump to December 2014 and fur baby number 3, an 8 week old
red heeler puppy named Lennox joined the Brewer household.
On March 30th 2015, I found out I was pregnant.
This was really hard for me to accept, we were not trying at all. It was an
accident really but I was beyond excited, and so was Jesse. This time we only
told a few people but it’s only because I can’t keep a secret from my best
friends, and I had really bad nausea. Mother’s day 2015 was going to be the day
we shared our news with everyone. Unfortunately I had another miscarriage. This
one wasn’t as bad as the first one. I took that loss as God’s way of saying
that baby would have been too much for you to handle. Yes, I do get sad when I
see pregnant women, because I want to experience being pregnant for more than a
few weeks. I want to hold my new born baby and not cry sometimes because I
thought by now I would be a mom, and in that sense I am not. We will be trying
again but probably not right away.
This post is not a “hey lets feel sorry for myself post”.
This post is for all Mothers. For the Moms who have more babies in Heaven than
on earth. For the moms who never got to hold their babies. For the moms who
carried the baby to term only to learn that they were stillborn. For the moms
who have lost babies to SIDS, and the moms who had to bury their babies. For
the birth moms who have given their babies up for adaption and for the adoptive
mom who gets to love that baby as her own. For the women who have stepped up to
be that mom when they didn’t have to, but wanted to because they love that
child more than life itself. For the Moms who only have fur babies, for the
moms who had to play mom and grandma, and the moms who have to play dad too. To
all the new moms and expecting moms, worried they won’t be good enough, or
don’t know how to be a mom yet.
I am beyond blessed, I got to grow up with my mom and my
grandma both playing mom. At the time I hated it, but now I am so thankful I
had both of those amazing women in my life playing a major role. I wouldn’t be
who I am today without guys, I love you both so much! Alyssa, Thank you for
being so supportive the last few weeks, it means so much more than you could
know. I am beyond thrilled for you and the life you are carrying, even though
this has been hard on me, I can’t wait to him in August!
Sorry this post is so long but it makes me sad to think that
all moms aren’t celebrated on this day. Some women can’t have babies so they
have fur babies, but that doesn’t make them any less of a mom to that animal.
Just because a woman has experienced loss in a pregnancy doesn’t make her any
less of a mom either, she just never got to meet her baby. So happy Mother’s
day to all moms!
