While I'm waiting

I’ve had this post written for a while; I just haven’t gotten around to posting it. I’ve mad changes to it, and scrapped it twice. I am not an open person, but on here I try to be. We have been busy lately, with work and family, and just life in general. I knew if I didn’t post this now, it wouldn’t get posted.

So from my last post we decided to make our struggle with fertility known, we were asking for prayer on this season of our life. We are still struggling, so not much has changed unfortunately. We did however meet with a fertility specialist in June. We went over our “goals” and plans for starting a family with him. He was very open and honest, he answered all of the questions we had, and some I hadn’t even thought of yet. He laid out our game plan, and all of the baseline tests that needed to be done before we could actually start trying.

Currently our insurance through my employer, does not offer ANY kind of fertility treatment. No testing or anything! I’ve known for a while, that nothing would be covered, but once we found out how much the testing alone was going to cost, I got really discouraged. I was angry, and frustrated and felt very defeated. So, I wrote a letter to my HR department, asking them to consider offering coverage. This is part of the reason I hadn’t posted this yet, I’ve been waiting on an answer for a few months.

Unfortunately, they said at this time they wouldn’t be able to cover treatments. I got a little emotional, when I had the meeting with HR and they told me no. They were very understanding, and thankfully the woman who is handling my letter is fantastic. She told me that they couldn’t offer coverage without the premiums going up substantially, which I understand. She did however say that testing should be covered. I was happy to hear that, and she is going to be working with the clinic to get the tests covered.

She said that she is hoping in the future, that maybe treatment options will be covered. She did say that she would be looking into an “add-on” option for coverage. So If I want the extra coverage but someone else doesn’t, I would just pay the difference to have that coverage. So even though they cant offer the coverage, there may be another option. So I am waiting to hear back on that. I do however have amazing doctors who said they would be willing to code tests differently to make sure they would be covered, as most insurance companies wont cover anything fertility related.

So as of now, we are looking to start going to the clinic in January or February, and we couldn’t be more excited. We have an amazing support system of friends and family, we have so many people praying for us right now. We are so blessed to have each and every one of them in our lives. We decided to put this is Gods hands, and even though I sill stress and worry about this, Jesse has been amazing. He has been my rock, and my voice of reasoning the last few months while I was waiting for an answer from HR. He is so positive, and loving even when I feel like I want to give up.

I believe Gods timing is never wrong, and that this is preparing us to be the parents we need to be. We have talked, and know that even if we can’t have biological children, we will be adopting.

If you have never heard the song “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller, I highly recommend it. This is one of my favorite songs, and has become a constant reminder that Gods timing is never wrong. Someone very near and dear to my heart sent me the video randomly one night. She said it reminded her of me, and the struggles Jesse and I have been going through. It means the world to me that she took the time to do that, and just send me an “I’m thinking of you text”.

This season of our life hasn’t been easy, and waiting for something that means this much to not only me, but Jesse as well has literally been the hardest thing I have had to do. This has brought us closer together as a couple, as well as closer to God. I LOVE our church family, especially our small group. They are so supportive and loving. Waiting is not easy, and it’s certainly not fun, but it will be SO worth it in the end.

“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope”

-Psalms 130:5

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry”

-Psalms 40:1

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”

Jeremiah 29:11-13

What we have been up to

Hey everyone! It has been a while since I have done a post, and we have had a TON of stuff going on lately, and as I have said before writing is a way for me to deal with things and I usually feel better once I have written something. So this is probably going to be a longer post, just a heads up!

So in August, my cousin and her husband welcomed their first baby, a little boy. He is the cutest! I love being able to spend as much time with him as I do, it definitely made my baby fever go through the roof!

In August, we also got a new puppy. She is a blue heeler Border collie mix. We named her Ryder. She is the sweetest puppy; she is now 10 (on April 9^th) months old. She is very vocal at times, and for such a little thing her bark sounds pretty vicious. She isn’t too fond of dogs that are bigger than her, but she LOVES my best friends dog, Malice, who is a Bichon Frise. She isn’t as hyper as we expected her to be, and training has been a bit more difficult than it was with Lennox, but she’s a pretty good dog. Unfortunately, we had to put Lennox down in December. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was something that needed to be done. I miss Lennie everyday.

In September, Jesse's mom was involved in a car accident, and she is beyond lucky to be alive. We are so thankful that she is still with us!

In October I saw my OB/GYN for a yearly check up and I needed to have a lump in my right breast checked out. I first noticed the bump when I learned I was pregnant, and it continued to grow. After my miscarriage, I kind of forgot about it until I noticed it had grown significantly. So my doctor sent me to the Woman’s center for an ultrasound.

In November I had my initial consult, and the doctor who performed the ultrasound wanted to do a biopsy because he said there were something’s about the lump that he didn’t like. So on November 24^th I had a biopsy done, the actual procedure took less than 10 minutes, but I definitely felt sore afterwards. The results of the biopsy were good. It was just a fibroadenoma, which is just a big word for a type of benign tumor. The doctor did recommend having it removed though because it was about 3cm in size and when we do get pregnant again, it would most likely grow and could affect my chances of breast-feeding.

December 29^th, 2015 I had the lump removed. I have NEVER had any type of surgery before and I have never had any anesthesia. So this was a new experience for me. I was extremely nervous the day of surgery. Jesse had to work so my grandparents took me and stayed to take me home. I remember the nurse giving me something in my IV to make me a little calmer, and I didn’t feel it t first, but all the sudden I felt like I had just done 15 or so shots and it was hitting me hard and fast. I started laughing and told the nurse I think I did some shots, and she laughed.

Once we got to the operating room I moved onto the operating table and they put something on my legs and strapped my arms down. They put the mask on my face, and I remember my arm and face got really hot and it felt like someone was pushing down on them, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. The surgeon was AMAZING; I couldn’t of been any happier with him. Apparently as soon as he was done I was talking in the operating room, telling him that my grandma and I were going dress shopping and going out to dinner.

I was in recovery for a long time; my blood pressure kept dropping, at one point it was on 60/80, so I had to stay in recovery until they got it back up. After they got my blood pressure up, I was able to go home. We did go dress shopping after, and I definitely over did it. The next few days I slept a lot, but overall I wasn’t feeling too bad, just tired.

In January my dad borrowed my car, and was involved in a minor accident, but it has turned into a giant shit show.

In February, on Jesse’s birthday, he got a speeding ticket. Totally his fault, but it doesn’t make it suck any less.

In March, I was involved in my “first” accident, it shook me up a bit, and I did get a concussion from it. I hit my head on my driver door window, and it shattered. I am still without a car, because insurance cant decided if they are going to total it, or fix it. So I am in a rental until further notice.

Jesse was crashed his car, luckily he was fine, and his car was fine too. Just had to replace the headlights. The officer who gave him a ride said he was lucky to be alive. His car spun around, and flew across the other side of the highway and hit a tree.

 

The only other news we really have, is we are officially trying for a baby. I will be blogging this journey, hopefully resulting in a successful pregnancy. We are very excited to see what the next chapter in our lives look like!

PCOS & Pregnancy/Infant loss awareness

September was PCOS awareness month. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS is an imbalance with hormones. Many women with PCOS have trouble getting pregnant, and or staying pregnant. PCOS symptoms are not the same for everyone.

1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women of childbearing age has PCOS. Researchers also think insulin may be linked to PCOS. Many women with PCOS have too much insulin in their bodies because they have problems using it. Excess insulin appears to increase production of androgen.

Some of the symptoms of PCOS include Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating. In fact, PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility.

•   Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods

•   Cysts on the ovaries

•   Acne, oily skin, or dandruff

•   Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist

•   Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black

•   Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area

•   Pelvic pain

•   Anxiety or depression

Women with PCOS have higher chances of Miscarriages!

PCOS is very real; I was diagnosed when I was 18. I knew NOTHING about it, and honestly I am still learning. PCOS does not define me though, its not my story, its just a fraction. Yes, we have had trouble getting pregnant. Yes, we do want children. For those who follow my blogs, well you know that we have had two miscarriages. Yes, it was devastating. Yes, we are trying. No, we haven’t been to the doctor for more help. Yes, I have taken clomid (drug to simulate ovulation). If we don’t get pregnant within the next year, we will be going to see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to explore our options.

October is Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness month. So if you know someone who is struggling with the loss of a pregnancy, or SIDS, etc. be kind to them, say a prayer and let them know that you love them. You may have forgotten, but they haven’t, and the loss is still just as fresh and raw even if it was a long time ago. We will always remember the day it happened, the missed due dates, and the what-ifs. We think about who they might have been and how different our lives would be. We shouldn’t have to feel alone, even though we do. This is more common than most people think. It’s hard to understand unless you have experienced the pain that comes with loving something so much and then having it taking away just as fast. The pain is very real, and you feel like it is your fault. Two songs that I absolutely adore, and that helped me tremendously through both of our losses are, Praise you inthe Storm & Bring the Rain. I hope this helps someone somewhere, and remember you’re never alone.

Jesus, Bring the rain.

Angel Baby #1- July 2013

Angel Baby#2- April 2015

Patiently waiting for our Rainbow baby 

 

Date Night

So for those of you who follow me on FB know I am moving into a new position at work and I couldn’t be more excited for this new chapter with work. I start August 10^th, which feels so long from now! So Jesse and I went out to dinner to celebrate my new job, a just to have a date night.

ShoGun is where we ended up, which is this yummy Japanese restaurant that we don’t eat very often. We haven’t had it in a long time, so we figured we would celebrate my new job as well as date night. So two Mai Tais later and I definitely wasn’t feeling any pain, and I even had shrimp and for those of you who know me, know what a huge deal that is. I NEVER eat seafood.

After dinner we stopped at our best friends house and visited with them for a few hours. I don’t know what I would do with out Jill and Jay! They are honestly our favorite people to hang out with! So over all date night was a huge success.